Bobby Martini and the Crazy Kentuckian Hostess

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There’s one thing Bobby Martini likes to do and that’s find a hot fucking chick, toss my dick out of my jeans and hibernate in that pussy for awhile: letting the shaft marinate like a teriyaki kebab. Now what that means is that I like to hang on to what’s good. Sure, one night stands happen but Mr. Martini isn’t the “one and done” type of guy. He likes to tap that ass and then tap it a bunch of other times until either the bitch gets annoying or the alcohol runs dry and her beauty fades. This is just the nature of the beast y’all but while the times are good, I tend to stick around. So what the fuck does any of this have to do with this particular tale? Well, let me explain.

Back in the day when your very debonaire narrator used to work at the local mall, he decided to get a bite to eat at Ruby Tuesday’s. I walked right in and noticed that there was a very cute hostess who I had never seen before. Now I had a few adventures with a few of the girls from this particular branch of Ruby’s back in the day but this chick just about set my cock on fire! Not in a nasty burning STD sort of way but in a really good “goddamn I want to make out with her tits” sort of way. She had a cute little southern accent and looked like the petite 19-year-old version of Jennifer Aniston in her prime: my ‘Office Space’ fantasy come to life with a Kentucky twang. So my dick was hard as fuck but I was caught completely off guard and couldn’t really get a word out before she sat me at my table. Yes, sometimes Mr. Martini is at a loss for words. I can’t help it, this chick had me so mesmerized that I could barely order a damn bacon cheddarburger and fries!

Anyway, I sat there eating my medium rare meat patty – perplexed over how to ask this chick out. I finished my burger, paid for my meal and said “fuck it”. I got up, walked over to her and said, “What are you doing tonight because there is a killer party I’m going to and I’d feel really bad if I didn’t give you the heads up. Don’t want you to miss out on a good time.” Cheesy as fuck, I know. So she was real nice and after telling me that she had just moved to town and didn’t really know anyone, she thought it would be a good idea to go and meet some of the other cats who worked at the mall.

So I picked her up that night and we hit the party. My friend John, a co-worker and total pothead, was throwing down at his crib like never before. This kid always had the sickest parties back in the day. There was unlimited alcohol and drugs just about everywhere one looked. It was probably a good thing that his parents were rich as fuck and he had a daily ATM withdrawal limit of $1,000.

I realized that I never got the girl’s name so I asked. Her name was Heather. Heather and I danced, smoked dope, drank a shit ton of vodka and ended up making out pretty quickly. She was cooler than I had originally thought and was pretty much down for anything. We ended up on the moonlit sun-deck on the top of John’s four story beach house. Within a few minutes we were having sex and even though I was drunk as hell, I wasn’t so drunk that I couldn’t properly function. Shit, I had some of the greatest sex of all-time. Truth is, it was so good for both of us that we kept doing it until the sun was up and burning or backs.

I took Heather home, anxious to see her again as soon as humanly possible. She gave me a pretty passionate kiss that tasted like morning breath, weed and booze but even that didn’t sabotage the awesomeness of the tender exchange. I then went home, showered and headed off to work – planning to stop by Ruby Tuesday’s to holler at Heather and see if she was down to do something after work that night.

So at the end of my shift, I headed down to the restaurant. She kissed me on the cheek and asked what my plans were that night. I told her I didn’t have any but I’d like to hang out with her. She said she was down and asked me to come back and pick her up at 9 o’clock, when she got off.

I went home, was all excited for our date and got ready. I jumped in my car, drove back down to the mall and waited outside of Ruby Tuesday’s were she told me to meet her. At about 9:30, she wasn’t there. I knocked on the door, the manager – a friend of mine, opened the door. He said that she was let go early, as it was a slow night. Well shit, she could’ve called a motherfucker so I wasn’t wasting my time waiting. So I called her: no answer. I called again: still no answer. What the fuck?!

I didn’t hear from her the whole night and I even thought about swinging by her house but didn’t want to look too eager or stalkerish. So the next day, I walked into Ruby Tuesday’s and asked her what happened. She said that her parent’s turned her phone off and that she had gotten into a big fight with them. Sounds plausible, so I asked her if she was able to do anything that night. She said yes and once again, asked me to pick her up from work at 9 o’clock. I told her to call me from her work phone if anything changed.

I got there, I waited and it was like déjà-fucking-vu. She didn’t appear, I asked the manager where she was and he told me that she left out of the other entrance just before 9 o’clock. Man, this bitch was a fucking dickhead and at this point, I was getting real pissed off. I was still pretty young though and caught up in my naivety but regardless, I was fucking angry.

So I went out with some other friends that night and partied hard, drinking like a goddamned world champion – drowning my fucking young pup sorrows. After clubbing with my peeps and some hot bitches on Spring Break from the University of Indiana, we all went to Denny’s to load up on fried food in an effort to curb our oncoming hangovers.

We sat down, ordered food and starting eating. As I was chewing on a buffalo chicken tender, I saw Heather over one of the Indiana girl’s shoulders. She was sitting three booths over and hadn’t seen me yet. I was drunk and decided to stumble over and make my pissed offedness clear to her. I felt that I should give her the benefit of the doubt, even though I knew I had most assuredly been burned but I knew I had to make my point about being stood up: twice.

As I was walking over, I noticed that some dude was sitting across from her. She sank down in her booth when she saw me. The dude took notice of her demeanor and quickly looked back towards me. He stood up and asked me, “Who the fuck are you?!” I pushed him back into the booth and nudged him over, as I sat down directly across from her with this cat pinned between me and the wall.

“So what’s up?” I asked. She responded by introducing me to her boyfriend: the Kentucky punk who I just shoved into a corner. At this point, I just got angry. I asked the dude if this was true and he said it was. In fact, he told me that they had just moved down together and that they were engaged to be married but hadn’t selected a date. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?! So like an asshole, I told the dude what had happened between her and I a few nights prior. He started crying like an emo-tard as she got up and walked out. I followed her.

She yelled at me and told me that I had just ruined their marriage and that I was some kind of asshole for thinking that she wanted to be more than a one night stand. The heartless evil bitch then got in her car and took off: leaving her boyfriend behind. I felt horrible and gave the kid a ride home.

I never saw Heather again. Apparently she left him that night and ran away, never to return.  The boyfriend hung around town for a few more weeks and then disappeared as well. There really wasn’t much of a lesson to learn from this but it did make me a lot harder when dealing with women. Not in the sense of being a prick but in the sense of not being played like a fool. In the end, Heather sucked as a human being and it’s good that I found that out in 48 hours and not years down the road – had something blossomed with this mess of a girl. Truth be told, Bobby Martini moved on and got over this whole fiasco pretty quickly. It wasn’t hard to do when one had access to lots of bourbon and a couple of those Indiana girls who stuck around for another week.

Bobby Martini and the Polynesian Pussy Parade

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Bobby Martini loves all types of hot ass women, that my friends is no secret. It is also no secret that pussy comes in all sorts of motherfucking flavors and colors! The world is like one big ass pussy rainbow and all you gotta do is grab your dick, jump in and snatch that pot of gold!

One of my favorite types of chicks, of which I have slept with my fair share, are Polynesians. Out of all the Polynesian bitches my dick’s laid out, my favorite would have to be the Tahitian girl I had a fling with about ten years ago. Her name was Titaua, which is easy to remember because the first syllable is “tit” and believe me, this gorgeous girl had a very spectacular set of bodacious tatas. It’s not very often that Bobby Martini throws words like “marriage” around but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I would marry her fucking tits if the law was structured in a way that I could actually do so. Shit man, her ass was utterly fucking insane too!

This whole thing started when I was at a luau in Ft. Lauderdale during a private party for a modeling agency I briefly worked for. One of the dancers caught my eye and between sips of Tiki drinks and bites of Polynesian food, I couldn’t stop watching her. I noticed that this pretty lady was aware of how smitten I was and she winked at me and danced in a seductive way that was aimed directly at me. After her part in the show was over, she went backstage. I continued to eat and be merry with my co-workers thinking that that was the last I would see of my beloved Tiki goddess.

About an hour or so later, I was sitting at the hotel bar on the beach sipping on some more Tiki drinks when this girl and a few of her fellow performers, male and female, came over and talked to my co-workers and I. They were all really fucking cool and in fact, the fire breather and I smoked a joint in the bathroom stall. Polynesian dudes have access to a lot of good weed in my experience.

After getting drunk and pretty high, I went back out to the bar. She was sitting there with an empty stool next to her and she motioned for me to take a seat. I sat down next to her and we started talking. I discovered that she was staying at the hotel that night but lived in Sarasota, not too far from where I was living at the time. She was an art student at Ringling and performed traditional Polynesian dance to pay her way through college. I learned that she was actually from Tahiti, which peaked my interest and got us talking about the differences between life in French Polynesia and life in the United States.

As the night and conversation progressed, we both had gotten very drunk and I noticed that we were really close and being all touchy feely and shit. Titaua told me that I was too drunk to drive two hours back home and asked me if I was staying in the hotel. I told her “no” and she insisted that I stay in her room. I was all over the opportunity and after ordering a few more drinks, we headed upstairs.

Once in her room, it didn’t take much time before we were both butt ass fucking naked. We got in the shower and made out for nearly an hour, it was fucking awesome! As the shower portion of the evening was coming to a close, this chick started stroking my already solid cock. I lifted her leg up and slipped my dick in her pussy. I started to fuck the shit out of her and she was digging the fuck out of it.

We stumbled out of the shower, where I continued to tap that pussy on the bathroom floor. This was some of the most passionate love I have ever made and I’m not sure why, everything was just right and I had always had a thing for island girls. All things considered, Titaua is still one of the most gorgeous bitches I have ever been involved with. She also has one of the best bodies I’ve ever seen naked that wasn’t in porn.

I picked her up, still fucking her, and carried her to her bed. We continued to have sex for about another hour or so and then she told me that she had never been fucked in the ass. I asked her if she wanted to take it in the browneye and she was ready and willing to try. I eased her into it, as it was her first time, and then proceeded to fuck this gorgeous chick in the asshole. She may not have been a virgin but I do have the distinction of being the motherfucker that took her ass cherry.

After some pretty solid buttsex, Titaua and I laid in bed, smoked a joint and just talked. Suddenly the door to her room opened and it was another one of the dancers. Apparently they were sharing the room, which was cool with me. Titaua noticed that she was upset about something and asked the other girl to get in bed next to her. I guess she was having problems with her boyfriend and the two of them needed some girl time to talk, while I just turned on the TV to not appear as if I was trying to eavesdrop.

About ten minutes later, I heard kissing sounds and noticed that Titaua and her friend were making out. I was turned on, who the fuck wouldn’t be? That’s when her friend reached under the sheets and started stroking my dick. It’s like Santa Clause finally listened to me and got me what I always wanted because in no time flat, I was involved in a threesome. Damn, two butt ass naked Tahitian bitches and my dick in the bed at the same time! I was making sweet motherfucking Tiki dick magic!

Titaua’s friend climbed on top and rode my dick as Titaua sat on my face. They both made out and sucked on each other’s tits. If it wasn’t for the booze, the weed and the sex I already had, I would’ve been prematurely ejaculating like a little bitch. Luckily I was able to hold the sperm in my balls for quite some time. Shit man, I didn’t want to bust a nut quick and end this unbelievable experience!

Once this fantastic session of superfucking was over, Titaua’s friend asked if we were hungry. We both were, so she ran down and got some food. The chick came back with two full racks of ribs and more alcoholic beverages! She also pulled out some opium and we smoked the shit out of it! Goddamn I wanted to marry these chicks and never look back! Did this experience ever have to end? Couldn’t I just stay in this room with these two hot Tahitian beauties, endless tropical drinks, opium and racks of tasty ribs?! Nope, Jesus apparently doesn’t love your boy that much.

I actually rode back from Ft. Lauderdale with Titaua and her friend, as the people I had gone to Ft. Lauderdale with had left the night before. She dropped me off at my house and asked me if we could stay in contact. I was like “shit fucking yeah!” Well no, not really. I played it cool, exchanged numbers and went into my house to beat off. I had this feeling that I would never have a sexual experience that ever topped the one I had just had.

Over the next few months, Titaua and I would visit each other and continue to have awesome sex, a lot of it in her butt. However, as time went on, we saw each other less and less and eventually lost contact with each other. These things happen in life I guess, but I am such a fucking moron for not trying to keep our relationship tight and ongoing. Man, if I knew then what I knew now, I would’ve moved up there and made glorious Polynesian babies with this chick. We really truly liked each other and it is a shame that things just kind of fizzled.

I caught up with her online recently and she is now married with two kids. If, by chance, she ever gets a divorce, I’d go visit her in a heartbeat. I ain’t even worried about the kid thing because children love Bobby Martini.

I’m still a bit sad that it didn’t develop into anything too serious but life pushes you in certain directions for a reason, or so some old shaman dude on a mountain says. It’s all good though, because as great as this short experience was, not ending up with Titaua provided me with the opportunity to have some dope ass sex with many other extraordinary honeys. There will always be a soft spot in my heart though for my Tahitian princess. In fact, maybe I’ll e-mail this to her and get that Polynesian pussy all wet again.

Bobby Martini and the Diabolical Demoness Doctor

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I just got off the phone with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and she told me that I had to share this story. Being the official United States Ambassador to Pussy, I would have to agree with Madame Secretary. Like most of my previous tales, this story is comprised of the unbelievable and the crazy wild sexploitation adventures that you’ve come to find in the annals of my delicious self-obsessed writings.

This is a story about a girl named Amanda, whom I met after a very bad drug binge mixed with some depression after coming to the realization that a woman I loved was a two-bit tramp. You see, Amanda was a medical student, half a semester away from becoming a full-fledged medical doctor. The day I visited the walk-in clinic because of my condition, she was there to lend a helping hand, stay quiet about my fucked up state and to provide some much needed companionship.

The night prior, I found out that the girl I had been kind of seeing had had sex with some asshole prick that her and I were making fun off just two days earlier. She told me immediately, which was somewhat commendable I guess but as far as I was concerned, she was dead in my eyes and I couldn’t deal with the pain I was going through in having to accept this fact about someone I was truly falling for at the time. Needless to say, that situation was the last time I ever let a woman affect me to that degree. It was a hard point in my life but I’m glad it happened because it made me a hell of a lot stronger and I was able to move on and stop caring so much about girls I wasn’t mutually committed to. I’ll probably write about that one eventually. Moving on.

After finding out that bullshit, an ex of mine came over to console me and she brought along a bag of pills. I really didn’t care what they were, I just knew that they were some sort of enhanced ecstasy. I took a few, I fucked my ex, I took some more, I fucked her again, wash, rinse, repeat and I was done. Unfortunately at work the next day, my body was wrecked and ravaged beyond belief in a way I had never felt before and can’t really describe. It was kind of like body aches, pins and needles, light headedness and nausea without the feeling like puking part. I left work before lunch and had someone drive me to the walk-in clinic down the street.

So as I sat in the doctor’s office, Amanda walked in and I was immediately taken aback by her bookish yet sultry beauty and it wasn’t the drugs I was trying to work out of my system. She sat next to me and opened up her paperwork. She asked me my name and I asked if we could keep it a secret. She said, “no”. I told her. She then asked for my phone number and I cut her off and said that I already answered one question so it was my turn. She looked at me annoyed and said, “go ahead.” So naturally, I asked for her phone number. She told me that I didn’t even know her name and I pointed out that it was on her badge. She smirked but didn’t give me her number. Amanda wanted to keep shit strictly business.

For whatever reason, probably because she was hot and I found her questionable rejection of me to be a bit of a turn on, I told her everything that had happened. She asked me how well I had been sleeping and I told her that I hadn’t slept a wink the night before and that my sleeping patterns were a bit peculiar, as they have always been. At this point, the physician’s assistant came in, looked everything over and prescribed me some Ambien for my sleeping troubles. He told me to wait 24 hours before taking it since my body was pushing out the bad effects of the pills in my system. Seems like irresponsible doctoring but I’m not complaining, Ambien is a great drug.

After the P.A. left, Amanda walked me to the counter where I was to pay for my visit. She took a note off of the Post-It pad and scribbled her name and number on it. She asked me what I was doing that night and I told her I had no plans. She told me to call her after five and said she would need directions to my house so she could stop by in the evening. I went home, eagerly waited till after five and gave her a call. She was over within an hour.

Amanda showed up at my door with soup from a really great Thai restaurant and a twelve pack of Guinness Draught. I’m not sure if she combed my MySpace for information (as that was what I used at the time) or read my mind but Guinness is my favorite beverage. In fact, I believe that it is the holiest beverage since the Virgin Mary’s breast milk.

Anyway, she came upstairs, we ate some soup and drank a couple beers. It was after a few brews that I played the sick puppy card. I told her that I wasn’t feeling great and needed to go to my bed, chill out and watch a movie. She followed me in and snuggled up right next to me. I forgot to put a DVD in before getting in bed and at that point I was mighty fucking comfortable and didn’t want to get up. Neither did she apparently, as we started kissing almost immediately. Damn, my dick got hard quick and I don’t think it was due to left over ecstasy in my bloodstream.

Amanda and I had some serious fucking sex, in fact I may rank it in my top five of all-time for near sober sex. We did it pretty much all night and the next day we both called in sick to work which just lead to us fucking for another extended period of time. I don’t think we left my bed for like 36 hours except to piss, grab a beer or get a snack. For the record, all I had in the house was yogurt and Captain’s Wafers.

When I went back to work, it was the middle of the day when I checked my MySpace and I had like thirteen messages from Amanda between private messages and profile comments. That seemed a little excessive but she was hot and soon to be a doctor. I was trying to fuck her for her money but shit, it would be a nice added bonus to our seemingly budding relationship.

When I got home, where I had accidentally left my phone that day, I noticed that my phone had a dozen notifications on it from text messages, missed calls and voice mails: all from Amanda. “Shit”, I thought, “this chick might be stalker status.”

I brushed it off and gave her a call. She rushed over, we fucked for hours and hours and we both parted ways to go to work the next day. At the office, she was blowing my phone up. MySpace had an overabundance of comments too. Damn, her and I had to have a serious talk.

She came over, we talked about the communication issues and everything actually went really well. The next few days, her contact was what I would consider normal and everything was going smoothly. In fact, I brushed her overexcitedness of hooking up with Bobby Martini under the rug. She was a normal chick after all and she was just the type to show her excitement to the world, where I have always been much more reserved. I couldn’t blame her though because I really liked her too and everything was awesome.

A couple of weeks later she came by the crib and she had a couple pills with her. I asked her what was up and she said that she had never done ecstasy but that she wanted to and she wanted her first time to be with me. Oh hells yes! It was a Friday night and I didn’t have to be at work until Monday morning so I immediately knew that it was going to be a long weekend of sexploration with Dr. Feelgood’s Tic-Tacs.

Amanda and I took the pills and commenced to initiate heavy groping mode. Heavy groping mode led to fingerbanging which led to sex and in-between each of the sex sessions, we had very long snuggle sessions. I have to admit, Amanda is by far one of the greatest snugglers ever and her whisper voice may be the sexiest whisper voice in the world. By Sunday night, we were both extremely worn down but spent the night together and then went about our separate ways Monday morning.

Things were great for a week or so until one night when I couldn’t sleep and went over to her house to hang out. We spent all night chit-chatting, which irritated her to some degree because she was pushing for sex. At the time, I wasn’t in the mood and because I wasn’t she immediately got suspicious. Truth be told, I was exhausted and my body was wrecked from partying too hard and I just needed to chill and relax.

She said that she was going to go to bed and I asked her if I could surf the net on her laptop while she was in bed. She got pretty flustered because she expected me to follow her into her room. She reluctantly agreed and handed me her laptop before going into her room and shutting her door. About 45 minutes later, I had to go to the bathroom as my stomach was pretty upset due to my hard partying the few nights prior.

When I came out of the bathroom ten minutes later, she was on her laptop crying. I asked what was wrong and she immediately asked me why 90% of my MySpace friends list was comprised of attractive chicks. Jesus fuck, here it came. She went on a tirade of yelling incoherently and not listening to reason or logic. She accused me of sleeping with every girl on my profile while her and I were together (Damn, I wish). This yelling match went on for a good half hour and I really didn’t say much because I was exhausted as is. After she got her rant out, she stormed off back to bed after throwing the laptop at me and telling me to have “fun” with my “whores”.

When I looked at my MySpace account, I noticed that this whack job had sent messages to a shitload of these chicks and my “New Messages” notification was blowing up like fucking Chernobyl. I had to do major damage control and in my head, I was pretty much convinced that I needed to ditch this chick. In all honesty, I thought she was going to try and kill me if I broke it off.

After five to ten minutes of sending out cut & pasted explanations to every girl on my friends list, I heard Amanda scream out at the top of her lungs, “FUCK YOU!” As I turned towards her, I noticed a shiny object flying towards my head. I dodged it and it shattered all over the wall blasting me with broken glass and old stale beer. The bitch threw a fucking mug at my head! She immediately fell to her knees and started crying. I responded by dropping her laptop on the ground and walking out as she called out for me like a wounded animal. There were a couple of sobby “sorries” in there but I slammed her door, got in my car and went home to get ready for work.

Days went by and I didn’t hear anything from her. While this was surprising, I also found it kind of frightening. I felt like Amanda was somewhere plotting my demise. I found out from my doctor a few weeks later that she had quit school, quit her job and had moved to Minnesota. Sounds pretty rash but considering her track record it wasn’t farfetched. After a few months passed, like a dumb ass I called her.

I really just wanted to see where her head was at and to try and talk some sort of sense into her, which has never worked by the way. The talk went well, she apologized for a lot and admitted that she was in therapy and was going to fix her psychotic issues before eventually finishing school. Today, I know that she did finish school and is a doctor somewhere. I’d hate to be the patient that pisses her off, which wouldn’t be all that hard.

I’d love to say that she was a nice girl deep down but whatever goodness there may be is certainly overshadowed by her insanity. I hope she figures her shit out and ends up okay but I’m sure some dude is going to marry her and even if she seems fine at first, at some point she is going to snap. Thank god she isn’t a fucking surgeon and thank Jesus my penis is still attached.